Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What do you want to be when you grow up?

     This post is going to be somewhat off the beaten path but hopefully you will stay with me.  I've done a lot of contemplating lately.  I have been searching for some time now on ways I can bring income into our home.  That was one of the reasons I started Doris Today, I was hoping to sew and create a few days a week while my kids were in school.  I have had a little, well a long one, lull in my creativity at least from a making things to sell stand point.  My grandmother, who was a substantial part of my life growing up, passed away a year and a half ago.  From that point on I noticed life kind of happening around me while I was standing still.
      Fast forward a year and half to today and I'm having a conversation with my oldest son that is starting high school next year.  That in itself is traumatizing enough, could I really be old enough to have a high schooler?  yikes  Anyhow back on track, our conversation was about what classes he might be taking next year.  He has taken some survey at school to help guide him in class choice process.  You know if are on the creative side you may want to take writing, or art related courses, if you are excited about science then what kind of science and gearing you toward those classes.  Mind you I told him you have to take some of it somewhat lightly because how many of us knew what we wanted to do when they were in 8th grade?  My suggestion was to him to take things he thinks he might be interested in and let his path form from there, but keep in mind things you might be able to do with those courses.  For instance he took a class called "Teen Challenges" in my day was called Home Economics because all his friends were taking it and they all said it was really fun that you got to make cookies and was overall just an easy course.  Well in the end none of his friends ended up being in his class and he hates it.  Mind you he is learning some life skills but in the end it is nothing what he thought it was going to be.  So my point was for him to take courses that might have spark some interest of  his and not just because all his friends are taking it. 
     Which had me thinking deeply in what I was doing as well.  I am finally seeing some light and my passion is starting to churn inside me again but for what?  I don't know.  Should I take a "job" outside the home part time?  How much do I want to disrupt my home in doing so?  Is it worth taking just any old job or should I try to find something in a creative field?  Or should I continue pusuing sewing acccessories and gifts to sell?  Is this really going to be profitable enough and where is that going to take me in the long haul?  Is this blog thing for real?  will it really bring in an income?  or should I take my creative juices and focus them into something that appears more profitable like textile design or interior design?  All of these questions are fueled by a life halting four letter word "FEAR"
     For most of my adult life I felt like I had a definate direction.  I knew I wanted to move out of my small town in upstate NY when I graduated, and I knew I wanted to something in the art field.  Fashion design kind of came out of the fact that I knew how to sew and putting garments together kind of came easy to me.  Which brought me to the Art Institude in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.  Then when I graduated I took entry level positions where I could still in the industry.  That was my direction.  I got married and had my first son and that was my direction.  We knew we wanted a more family friendly area to live so we moved up to Tallahassee, that was my direction.  I soon became lonely without family or friend around so I joined a ministry called MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers)  I not only joined as a member but as a leader instantly, God had dropped me smack dab in the middle of a group of women that encouraged me as a mother, a wife, a woman and for the first time as a leader.  That was my direction for the next 8-9yrs.  Then my baby started kindergarten, my oldest started middle school, and the economy went in the toilet.  My direction moved toward bringing some income in our household.  But what, where, how?  I haven't been in the work force on a regular basis in 15years.  I have not filled out an application let alone made up a resume.   Then my grandmother passed and without realizing it I became stagnant, stuck in one place.  Losing all direction. 
    Have you ever asked yourself some of these questions?  Have you ever felt like you don't have a direction?  Have you ever been totally crippled by fear?  Have you ever wondered what you wanted to be when you grew up, when your were already grown up? 
   So I am going to take the first step to letting this fear go.  I'm giving it up to God, the last thing I want to do is let it keep me from becoming closer to him and letting his light shine through me.  The next step is I'm admitting it to you all that I am scared, and I'm crippled in fear.  It may not be the best business decision to bear my soul but I felt I needed to share for some reason, and it was time to release my fears. 

Praise God for YOU!!!
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1 comment:

Curly said...

What a beautiful post! I think you have revealed thoughts and emotions that many women feel and often hide. I know I struggle with the uncertainty of what my purpose will be when my kids are older. Of course, you know that I have to mention Celebrate Recovery. CR is a great tool for working through these things. Walking through the door the first time is a little scary, but so worth it. I love you so much!